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You are not alone. Others of us have those same thoughts and feelings.
You are not that weird. Our faith is often convoluted, inconsistent and conflicted.
You will make it. You still have a long way to go, but by hanging on to Jesus, your faith understanding and and wisdom will grow, and yes, it is difficult and even baffling a times.
I would like to tell you that the journey gets easier over time, but that would be a half-truth. At the very point that you acclimate and finally get used to the new spiritual altitude, God hollers at you to get and get moving again.
Take comfort in knowing you are not alone. Get charged up knowing that God has more for you. Always.
He Is Risen!